Monday, January 14, 2013

The flood…

Of emotions. 
Has officially hit.

As we are nearing the end of this pregnancy, I have SO many emotions running rampant in my head.  The other day on the way home from work, I had a sudden strike of water works.  The UGLY cry. 
The whole.way.home.

I was crying out of sadness, happiness and abnormal fear.

Sadness because, at this point, I am not certain we will do this whole have-another-baby thing.  I say I am done, but when I think about this being the last time I will feel a baby move inside me, the last ultrasound I will have, it makes me sad.  It’s like the end of an era.  I don’t know that I’m ready for a barren uterus.
Sadness because I don’t want Mia to ever feel like she wasn’t enough.  She has always been enough. She is the light of my life and I couldn’t love her anymore.  I wanted to give her a sibling, a friend for life, when her parents have left this world.  I wanted to give her someone to play with, laugh with, fight with and love unconditionally.  Just at this moment, I feel sadness thinking she may feel, replaced. I don’t want anyone to forget about her in the happiness of Finley.  However, I don’t want anyone to not love Finley as much as they love Mia.  I want both of my girls to be loved and cared for, equally.
Sadness because at this point, I want to know I will love both of them the exact same.  Honestly, right now, I can not imagine loving someone as much as I love Mia.  I know I will be able to, and everyone says it just happens.  And I am sure that is the case, but it’s hard to imagine until we are there.

Happiness because I just know this sweet girl will rock my world!  I am overwhelmed with the sense of gratitude and thankfulness to God for blessing us abundantly.  Way more than we deserve.  This pregnancy has been a complete joy and I am so excited to welcome this baby girl into our crazy lives!
Happiness because I know what we are getting ready enter.  A cuddly little baby, first coos, smiles, slobbery kisses and just unexplainable love. 
Happiness to know my heart is getting ready to double in size, instantaneously. 

Utter fear because of our history.  I pray to God everyday that this sweet wee one will not have to endure what Mia did at birth, or even through the first year.  I just want everything to go smoothly and take a baby home with me when I go home.  Some people just do not understand.  And I don’t wish that feeling on anyone. They take it for granted to just get pregnant, deliver and healthy baby, go home and move on with their lives.  They just assume that is how it all goes. I hope no one has to understand anything other than the normal. Not so much over here. 
The doctors say that none of that will happen again.  It was a fluke.  One in a million they told me.  And I believe them.  I trust God with the children He has given me.  I just want, so badly, for everything to go smoothly and to have a healthy happy baby that we get to bring home with us. 
We will.  I know it.  God is good, ALL THE TIME.  These children are His, their lives are His plan, I just have to trust Him and let it go.
Easier said than done.  Pray for me?

39 weeks:

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