Wednesday, February 8, 2012

It hurts

It hurts.  It hurts bad.

It’s something that only you yourself can understand.  No one else quite knows of the impact this pain solicits.  It’s the kind of pain no amounts of Motrin or anti-depressants can take care of.

I realize that I, and my life, are part of God’s perfect plan.  I am so fortunate for this plan, but I’m still human, and IT HURTS.

It is the kind of pain that is rooted deeply below the smiling face and kind words.  The kind of pain that consumes your mind.  Every.Waking.Minute.  Whenever you have pain-free moment you realize how blessed you are.  However, that moment is only short lived.

I mean, I talk to The Man with the plan, very VERY frequently, I read my bible, I talk the talk and TRY to walk the walk.  Unfortunately, in the end, underneath all of the optimistic and happy layers, the person inside is writhing in pain.

The person deep DEEP down inside is struggling with jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness and grief.  THIS IS PAINFUL. And believe me, this is not something that I hide from God.  He has heard my two cents worth.  I’m not proud of these feelings.  I am human and I am a sinner.  I fight every single waking second of every single day to combat these feelings.  I try to smother them with happy thoughts, rebuke them with faith and even argue with my own mind about the immaturity of my faith on this pain.  Literally, one second my mind with think “I WILL be pain free!” and the next second “I’m NEVER going to be pain free!”

My mind is in anguish. 

Beth Moore describes anguish as the “mind in labor.”  She uses the example of the woman who is in labor, and once the baby is born, she soon forgets the pain that labor caused.  Well, anguish is, the mind in labor. I just wish whatever it is, the end result of this pain,  would be born already!  I need an epidural!

This pain is only temporary, right?

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