Thursday, April 12, 2012

A hard pill to swallow

I just got finished reading the book of Matthew and am feeling all kinds of conviction.  I’m not necessarily a fan of feeling convicted, but I am humble enough to know that I am FAR from perfect or deserving of
God’s love or blessings.  I am thankful for the conviction because it shows me the areas in my life that really need work and prayer.  I am thankful for my own personal conviction because I know it is helping me to grow in my faith and to better my relationship with God.
As most of you know, I am a very, VERY anxious person.  I am a control freak and also like INSTANT answers to my questions.  
If any of you have been a Christian for longer than a day, you know that all of these things can not coexist in the heart of the believer.  God says to “be anxious for nothing.”  God is in total control and you don’t always get answers on YOUR time table.
Insert MEGA conviction.
I have been STRUGGLING.  HARD.  Struggling over this infertility issue.  I am surrounded by all kinds of pregnant women everyday.  The evil feelings of the flesh, like jealousy, bitterness, anger and self-pity, all bubble up inside me.  EVERY. DAY. I literally have to fight back these feelings when they arise.  I have had more-meltdowns-than-I -can-count over the past 18 months.  I find myself avoiding talking to these women about their pregnancies.  When I see pregnant bellies, I go into a deep sadness.   I shut down around pregnant women.  I feel like everyone around me is being insensitive of my feelings. I just feel like I can NOT be at peace in this situation.  Pathetic?  Yes, I know.
This is me, being 100% honest.
I feel awful about feeling this way, because these babies are all God’s children!  He planned them ALL!  Who am I to not be happy about that??
I had to search God’s word to comfort me and to help me out of these evil, fleshy and selfish thoughts/feelings.  This is what I found:
*Anxiety comes from trying to walk in your own strength.  I don’t have near enough strength to deal with this on my own, I desperately need God’s strength.
*Worry is a symptom of doubt and disbelief and is a sign that you have been deceived by the enemy.  OUCH!
*Peace is not the absence of circumstances.
*Peace is not dependent on others for my contentment.
*Peace is not based on circumstances.
But instead,
Peace is the quiet confidence that comes from knowing God is in control.
Man I needed to hear these things today.  Such a good reminder that God is in control.  Although it goes against every.single.grain. in my body, I’m desperately trying to release all of my fears and requests to Him.
If you read this blog, will you stop and say a quick prayer for me?  For my peace with God’s plan and contentment in my circumstances.
“And God is able to make ALL grace abound to you, so that having ALL sufficiency in ALL things at ALL times, you may abound in EVERY good work.”  2 Corinthians 9:8

1 comment:

Erica said...

Thank you for sharing those words. Praying for you! I actually wrote a post about anxiety with a different verse from Philippians this morning too.