Thursday, January 9, 2014


I had a doctors appointment today, for my anxiety.  It’s no secret.  I’ve struggled with anxiety/depression for years now.  I’ve been on and off of medication since I was in college.  My earliest memories of extreme anxiety is when I was 6 and scared to death my parents were going to die.  For everyone that knows me, knows that I am extreme. Like, ridiculous.  Everything is worse case scenario. 
I hate this about myself.

I pray about it, I make note cards, I’ve seen counselors, I’ve confided in some wonderful godly counsel.  But sometimes, the anxiety is so much, I fell like it is going to swallow me.  Like I can’t breath without worrying.  Every blessing I have, I feel like I need to clench with tight fists, for fear of them being taken away.  I realize this is a faith problem.  However, I am also a nurse, and realize this is a physical, hormonal imbalance problem. 
I have started a bible reading plan, one to read through the bible in a year, that forces me to have my quiet time, everyday.  I am doing this plan with a large group of ladies, and the group has a Facebook page.  So every time I get on Facebook, I can see what everyone's “take” of the passage was.  It is very neat and is helping me so far.

However, with this anxiety, I also have panic attacks.  They are literally the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.  They come on like a thief in the night.  I could be talking to someone and all of a sudden my heart starts racing, I get clammy and dizzy, feel nauseous and faint.  IT.IS.MISERABLE.  If you have never had one, you wouldn’t understand.  You can not merely talk yourself out of it.  Over the past couple of months, my panic attacks have started happening more frequently and each episode is getting closer together.

It was time to get physical help.  After discussing some concerns with my doctor, we decided it was best to go back on (I haven’t taken anti-anxiety meds for a couple of years) some medication to help control the panic attacks, some other physical effects that I have because of the anxiety and also to improve my overall well being and mood.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, face a little downcast, an elderly couple comes in.  The waiting room is full of chairs.  The husband sits a row over and across from me, but his wife sat directly beside me.  Did I tell you the waiting room was full of empty chairs??  This 4ft 11, 100lb elderly woman with her makeup on and her hair fixed, wearing a precious smile, sat down right beside me.  She began talking to me and my mood was being lifted.  She was 89 years old, married to the love of her life for 66 years.  Both of them completely healthy, happy.  We spoke for about 15 minutes and that woman was the most optimistic, friendly and happy woman I’d ever met.  I could feel the smile growing on my face as I was talking to her, asking her the secret to a long, healthy life.  She spoke of always staying active and dancing the jitterbug!  She spoke of how she stayed at home with her children while they were growing up, because they needed their mother and discipline, more than they needed things.  This woman was so full of life, faith and wisdom, I could have talked to her all day.
Before they left, she got up and helped her husband put on his coat, not because he needed help, but because she loved and respected her husband.  As I walked out behind them, they were holding hands.  After SIXTY SIX years, they were HOLDING HANDS people!!  He walked her around to her side of the car, opened the door and got her settled in the car.  At this point, my eyes were welled up with tears.  Of joy, that is.

How encouraging!  If you watch the news, or TV, at all, everything focuses on the bad.  Things that make you upset and sad, not happy and encouraged.  Sometimes the highlight of the show is which celebrity got divorced, which one got pregnant out of wedlock, which one had Botox, etc..

This woman, and her husband, were so refreshing.  And it was just what I needed.

I am positive that God placed that woman in my life today.  She had an impact on me that I will NEVER forget.  I needed her today, and my loving Father knew that.  I spoke with one of my friends recently about how I wish I could physically hug the Lord.  Audibly hear Him.  I struggle with Him not being tangible.  And I honestly think He heard my cry for Him, and sent this sweet little lady to me today. 

OH how He loves us. 

It takes my breath away when I sit back and think about the things He does, that typically go unnoticed.

Lord, thank you for your love, today and always.


Toni :O) said...

I just stumbled on your blog and I am now SO! Thank you for posting this, you've helped ME! I've had panic and anxiety attacks since my home was broken into on Dec. 7th, just over four weeks ago. It's been awful! I finally slept the best on Dec. 23rd when our alarm system was installed (yeah, better late than never). The "what'if's" are brutal and they hit me as I try to fall asleep at night, my heart races, my pulse jumps up and the fear sets in. It certainly can be paralyzing. I'm glad you are getting help. If my symptoms persist, I have a physical next month and will be seeking help as this isn't the best way to live. Thank you again for sharing...helps me to see the positive in life once again. :O)

Amanda said...

My grandma used to call moments like these a "serendipity". SO TRUE. God seems to send us the right people at the right time, whether it be in the grocery store, our friendships, church, etc. LOVE THIS! I too struggle with anxiety, I hope that you start feeling better soon :) What a neat story to hold onto.