Friday, May 23, 2014

How do I breathe?

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to do this.  I’m not even sure I’m breathing.  I am either in the hospital with my poor husband, who is stuck inside the hospital, hooked up to chemo 24/7, or home with my girls.  Either way I lose.  Half of my heart, or actually my whole heart, is always elsewhere.  I just want my family back together, under the same roof and all of this go away. I still haven’t woke up from this nightmare.  I still can’t even process that this is our life.  My healthy, young, strong husband, in the hospital, fighting.  My kids going back and forth between houses. 

I am completely broken.

I can’t think straight.  I am always one look, hug, touch, kind word, away from a curl up in fetal position and scream and cry and beg meltdown.  I’ve cried more tears than I even knew my body could produce.  Right now, as I type this, I am sitting at Dave’s bedside, listening to the pumps pour toxins into his body.  He is so tired and worn down.  He’s nauseous. His appetite is taking a nose dive.  This is not my husband!!! 

I am helpless.

I want so bad, SO BAD, to take this away from him.  I can’t even stand the amount of hurt and ache inside my body right now.  I want to leave this shell of a body and run to the comforting arms of Jesus.  But I can’t do that either.  Nothing is easing this pain.  On a scale of 0-10 (with 10 being the highest), my hurt can’t even be measured.  It is so immense.  And yet, I have to carry on and put a smile on my face for him.  I have to be strong and positive for him.  But he is my safe place.  The one I run to when I need a breakdown.  Now that resource has been yanked out from underneath me.  I am drowning and don’t know how to stay afloat.  Hot tears are streaming down my cheeks. 

I am miserable.

Right before we were trying to go to sleep for the night, Dave wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.  I could feel the heaviness of his body and could hear the silent sobs.  He was trying to hold it back.  When I asked him if he was crying, he quickly said “NO!”  I asked him what was going on and he said “I just love you so much.  I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life.  This sucks.  I try to plan my future but don’t know what it holds.  I don’t want this to come back.  I miss my girls.”  He wipes the tears from under his glasses and I just hug him tight and say “I know babe.”  I am right there with you.  He goes on to say “You deserve better.  I’m sorry I put you through this.  I don’t want you to have to stay married to be if I only have one arm.”  I don’t know how to even respond.  I will love him no matter what.  We are in this together and I wouldn’t think about going anywhere, besides right next to him.  His proud and lucky wife.

I am so lonely.

Sure, everyone is loving and supportive and we get calls, texts, cards, visitors, etc. but everyone also gets to go home to their husbands.  Everyone else’s life continues about while ours is completely shattered and I have no idea how to pick up the pieces and move forward.  I either have to leave mine in the hospital to go see my girls, or stay with him and miss my babies.  This is so damn unfair.  I just wish I could take this all away from him.  I want to go back to a month ago, when everything was running smoothly.  I want to be 30 and enjoy watching my children grow with my husband.

Just the other day, during one of my meltdowns, I said to my mom that I wish I could get in a car by myself and get in a wreck and die.  Yes, that is selfish to do to my kids, but in that moment, in this moment, the hurt is so hard to bear, that it’s true.  I don’t want to stay here and hurt like this anymore.  How God, can I take anymore?  How is this a good plan??

I am struggling.

My faith is struggling, although I try to cling to Him for comfort.  I am struggling to stay strong and positive when my mind has a million different things going through it.  Everyone I look at, I wonder “why not them?” “Look at that drug addict!  They don’t even care to live!  Look at that child molester, criminal, robber, drunk driver who just killed an innocent family.”  Why NOT THEM??!  I know it’s not my say, and it’s His plan, yada yada yada, but DAMNIT it’s hard.  Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it.  You can not even try to understand it.  I am trying to keep my family from falling apart all while trying to get some hours in at work so we can pay our bills.  We are trying to sell the house to lighten my load through all of this, but I couldn’t care less about the bills.  Freaking wreck my credit!  I don’t care about all of that! I WANT MY LIFE BACK TO NORMAL!!



1 comment:

tracy dupree said...

Lauren, I just started reading this months post and my heart goes out to you... I'm teary remembering my own similar feelings of anger, resentment, and helplessness.... I say that just to reiterate that THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! I know it is distant, and dim, and sometimes flickering on and off but there is a light.
I wrote facebook updates during some of Jake's stuff to simplify communication among family but I think you are so brave and brilliant for sharing the emotional aspect to the world. You can do this!!