Pure, agonizing, real PAIN.
I’m lying awake, well actually I was woke by a dream of Dave and I running away from something, someone chasing us. I wasn’t fast enough. I held onto his arm and he pulled me through. Then I woke up, rolled over and put my arm around him and started praying, pleading with God. PLEASE heal him. Please God! Please!!! I start sobbing. Quietly, because I didn’t want to wake him and him see me crying. I’m trying so hard to be positive and strong for him. He is the one fighting, so I should be strong for him. But I am the pessimistic one. He is the strong and optimistic one. He is my shoulder to cry on. How in the world can I be his shoulder to cry on when I’m falling apart?
I get up, look at my swollen eyes in the mirror, wipe my nose and sob again. I text some dear friends. Every text brings more tears. We have so much love, support and prayers surrounding us. But it doesn’t feel enough. I still feel so incredibly lonely. Like I am the only one going through this. He is the one I always go to, and now I can’t, because I have to be strong for him. I look around everywhere we go, old people, unhealthy lifestyle people, mean people, etc. and wonder “why us? Why him?!” God please, WHY??
I want to crawl in hole and sulk forever. I want to be with him every second of every day. I want to take in every smell of his scent. I question if I should wash his shirts because I want to remember his scent forever. I take even more pictures than before. I cherish every moment more. We kiss and hold hands more. We have completely changed our lifestyle. We juice and eat all organic and gluten free food. Everything we put in to our bodies is healthy. I’ve done more research on natural remedies and holistic healing than ever before and certainly way more than I research chemo (aka poison).
I effing HATE you cancer. All you are is a big money hungry business. With all of these elaborate buildings and offices. You make your tons of money by people getting sick and dying. What if it were your family member? Maybe you would take a little less off of your pay per year and put it towards some cancer research and find a CURE! Oh no, you couldn’t do that, because then you would be out of business. What if it was your husband, wife, son, daughter, mother, father, sibling, etc.???
We are 30 years old with two young baby girls. This could not possibly be happening. We don’t (and never have) smoke, we work hard, we don’t cheat or steal, we love each other, go to church and pray regularly and we get smacked in the face by cancer? REALLY? What about the child molesters sitting in jail? Rapists? Terrorists? Murderers?
Since all of this began, I have thought on numerous different occasions, “I wish He would just take me now”, “I wish He would come back to earth and take us all together” or when I’m driving alone “I wish a car would pull out in front of me and I would quickly/instantly die.” This pain is indescribable. My heart physically aches. My brain races at all hours of the day and night. I read into stupid things. “Oh, is that a pimple?” Or is that cancer? I’m constantly asking him is he is ok. This is exhausting.
I am trying to rest in the Lord. I am trying to trust His will. But what I would give just to physically hug Him and have Him tell me everything will be ok.
I’m scared and angry. I’m still partially in denial. I feel like this is a bad dream and that I will wake up and none of it be true. My how fast your life can change. In one phone call. Your world turned upside down. How can you ever prepare for this? Especially so young? At this age, we don’t talk about dying, we talk about where we will move next, where our kids will go to school, what they will become when they are grown, where we will travel when we retire and have an empty nest, how we will feel when we have grand kids.
This cancer thing has certainly taught me to cherish life more. Live life to the fullest every day. And people say that all of the time and it sounds so cliché. But until something like this hits you in the face, you can’t quite grasp the urgency in that quote. Treat every day as if it were your last, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. This, along with many other lessons, have already been taught, and this is just the beginning.