The theme of this round is going to be: Be Still. Bear with me and I’ll explain why.
So we were admitted to our room at around 0945 this morning. We came in, hung out, huung out and huuunngg out before anyone even came in or did anything. Trust me, I’m a nurse, I know we can get crazy busy. But MY goal, is to NEVER make my patients feel like I don’t have time for them. It was around 3 o’clock before the nurse even came in to start his fluids. Chemo didn’t end up starting until around 9pm. Dave is getting around the clock chemo for 5 days. So with it being pushed back so far, now we are looking at not getting to go home until Father’s Day. I had originally planned for him to be home for that day.
Now, those of you who know me personally, or can even sense my personality through my blog, know that I am very type A. I’m a doer. A planner. A controller. I am a very “take the situation into my own hands, address it head on and move on” type. I express my feelings and can’t just get over it by not talking about it. My work (as a nurse) is very organized (most of the time). I literally can NOT just sit back and watch things happen.
The Lord has been working on these personality traits for a while now, with different little signs/situations.
Us. Hanging out in the bed, watching Iron Man 3 together.
We can make memories anywhere, as long as we are together.
Back to our hospital stay. During the hours that nothing, literally nothing, but us renting the room for ESPN, was going on, I was researching. My mind on a roll. Hang tight because you are getting ready to experience just a tiny bit of what goes on in my head, on most all days.
“I am so mad. Why are we even here if we aren’t going to do anything? We could be doing this at our house, with our girls! I mean, really! I’m about to take our business elsewhere. Seriously, if you don’t have time to take care of the patients you have, why even accept new patients? Speaking of that, Dr. Williams is AWESOME and I love him, but he is just too busy. He sees ALL kinds of cancer. Maybe we should go somewhere that specializes in sarcomas. Why in the hell do you have to be so rare? Only 10-11000 thousand people a year get diagnosed with sarcomas, in the whole UNITED STATES! So you would think you would want to be somewhere is specializes in JUST those. I mean, they would probably be better at it, right? Because they see them all of the time. But, Dr. Williams did say he was collaborating with other sarcoma specialists from other parts of the country regarding the care he is giving. Lets see where all of the places that specialize in sarcomas are. OH, we could move to South Carolina! Have a nice beach near by, that would be nice. Or North Carolina, we loved it there. Or Florida! Or Texas. Dude! But what about the kids? Who would help up watch them? Where would I work? Well maybe we could just travel there for treatments. Rent a hotel every three weeks. That would get expensive. Nix that. Wait! There is one at Vanderbilt in Nashville. Not a beach, but Nashville is cool and WAY closer. We could do that.”
“Dave, we should go to Vanderbilt. I mean, they specialize in this. They have a team of medical oncologists, orthopedic oncologists, radiation oncologist, pathologist, physical and occupational therapists, etc. all for each patient. To discuss what is best for each patient. I mean, Dr. Price is really nice and awesome and aggressive, but he is the only one around here, so it’s like he knows we have no choice. He may just want to go straight in there and amputate. Don’t you want a second opinion?”
Dave “Lauren, we can’t just do that. We have kids. You have to work. I mean, I could go by myself each time, but, I don’t see how it would work. I thought you liked our doctors? YOU picked them.”
Back to my brain:
“Whatever. You just don’t care. You just want to give up. Forget it! Forget I even mentioned it. Do what you want. I don’t care. I’m done. Eat what you want. But if it were ME, or my child, we would SO be going somewhere.”
::Insert my huge attitude and arms crossed because I didn’t get my way:: Like a 3 year old.
Then all of a sudden, I remembered the verse my friend sent me. Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, and you need only to be still.” Lauren!! BE.STILL. This is not for you. GIVE.IT.UP. You are making yourself crazy.
So I gave it up. I closed the computer. I put the book away. I released my attitude. And I was still.
Not 10 minutes later, Dr. Williams came in (which he never does on the day of admission, because nothing had started), looked at Dave’s arm and felt it and said “Wow! Your arm has really went down! That is REALLY encouraging!” We had noticed it as well, but for him to notice the significance of the difference in swelling, that was great! And then he did the whole ask us all how we were, yada, yada and then he said “Man! There are A LOT of you right now. I’ve got many NEW cases of sarcomas right now. All young. But I LOVE it. I love taking care of sarcomas. They are some of the ones I am passionate about.”
Full body goose bumps and teary eyes later, I had to walk out of the room.
Ok, God. You got me. I get it. I understand. All I have to do is BE.STILL. and YOU will fight for ME! All I have to do is put my FULL faith in Him. I’ve always had faith, but never gave him my whole 100%, because of said personality. When I remembered that verse, I gave it ALL to Him and was still. And then? He answered.
Oh what Love.
Although I am like a straying, disobedient teenager, he still loves me and gently (sometimes, not so gently) guides me.
I had tears telling my parents that story.
MAN! If you want to make God laugh, tell Him YOUR plans. His are so much better.
Please continue to pray for Dave, for minimal side effects of the chemo, for the tumor to respond to the chemo and shrink and GO AWAY COMPLETLEY. Please pray for our kids, as they are rolling with the punches, but I don’t know what their little minds think. They are so loved and I want them to always know, no matter what the situation. And please pray for me. For my defiance and wanting to control everything. For my anxiety. For me to just BE STILL.
Again, thank you for all of the prayers, support, texts, visits, calls, food, babysitting, etc. We love you and appreciate you. You have no idea the amount of gratitude we have for you.