I went back to work today, and honestly, I needed it. I needed to get my mind off of the obvious things, use my nursing skills and talk to my friends. Believe it or not, it was a well needed break. Never thought you would hear me say that, did ya?? Me either.
One day a couple of weeks ago, mom asked me if I had noticed the small bump on Mia’s neck. I told her that I felt like I had seen it before, but it had went away. Apparently it was back, and she recommended I have Dr. Kim check her out. Honestly, for once in my ever loving life, I wasn’t too worried about it. So today while I was at work, I sent Dr. Kim a text and told him what was going on and of course, being the best pediatrician in the world, he said to come on in today after I got off work. He said he would either stay late or work us in, depending on what time we got there. Is he not amazing? Long story short, he told us that her bump was an inflamed lymph node from drainage, due to her allergies. He told us to keep an eye out for doubling in size, warmth, tenderness and redness. He said “Lauren, that is NOT going to happen. I was just telling you that because I knew you would ask and want to know.” Good grief, is it a good or bad thing that all of my doctors and my kids doctors know me that well?? Don’t answer that.
After an eventful drive home (and an issue with the valet people at work), I’ll spare you the story, we got home and spent some time outside and in the girls pool! Poppy came over to hang out and to grill us some chicken breasts!
Ahh the innocence of a child. To not have a care in the world (besides what she wants to wear and how she wants me to fix her hair) would be so wonderful. Can I go back??
One day she will kill me for this…
But today is not that day. How stinking cute is a naked baby booty??
Dave did so well today, watching the girls while I worked, even took them to Target and Wal-Mart by himself. Ordinarily, that would not be a big deal, but considering how he felt just a few days ago, this was a huge step! He hung out outside with us and ate some chicken. After all of the activity today, he was worn out by evening. He curled up on the couch and slept for a couple of hours. ::Cue the ugly tears and melt down:: It hurts me SO much to see my big, strong, healthy, silly husband, curled up in a ball because he was so fatigued that he couldn’t do any more. His beard has started thinning out, so he decided to cut it WAY down. He has lost weight, and with the beard gone, it is really easy to see how thin his face has gotten. Again, that breaks my heart because, number 1, he LOVED that beard (that is a whole blog post on it’s own! HA), and 2. He looks much more fragile and weak. It’s crazy to think what ONE round of chemo will do to your body. And you want to tell me it’s NOT poison?
Poor Mia had to witness this break down. I try not to show her, because I don’t want her to be scared, but I guess she needs to know eventually. After she showed her concern, we had the talk. I told her that daddy has cancer, what it is (on a very young level) and what she can expect over the next little bit. I explained to her that no matter what, she will always be taken care of. I know she doesn’t have the capability to understand, but all of the resources we have been given tell us to be very honest with them. It hurt to tell her.
I’m waiting for the day for all of these RAW emotions to settle down. My heart is shattered, I am broken and I am on my knees pleading with God to take this away. The heartache is so intense. I know people mean well, but seriously, please take it easy on me. The way I grieve is the only way I know how. I’m doing the very best I can. Please try to be considerate when offering opinions and advice, especially if you have never been in this situation. It is very easy to judge and say what you would do if you were in the situation, but until you are truly in it, you can not say what you would do. I’m just asking that you be gentle. My heart is very tender and sensitive. Please know that I am doing everything I know how to do, and coping in the only way I know how.
One other thing, we are SO thankful for all of the outpouring of love and prayers and texts, etc. However, I respectfully ask that you refrain from telling me stories about people you know who have died of cancer (even if their story is encouraging). I know it is with good intent, but now is not the time. If you have a wonderful survivor story, BRING IT ON! All of the stories and advice about seeking Him, praying to Him, leaning of Him, etc. I get it. I am trying. It is hard. Please just pray for us, that is the most important thing.
We ask that you continue to pray for the chemo to destroy the tumor and for Dave to have minimal side effects. Please pray specifically for his appetite so that he can take in the adequate calories and nutrients he needs. Pray for NO spread.
Again, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for all of the love and prayers.